1. A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.

2. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.

3. Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

Inspirational Quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson

4. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

5. We judge of man’s wisdom by his hope.

6. We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.

7. What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say”

8. People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

9. The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people.

10. We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.

Friedrich Nietzsche Inspirational Quotes

11. Enduring habits I hate…. Yes, at the very bottom of my soul I feel grateful to all my misery and bouts of sickness and everything about me that is imperfect, because this sort of thing leaves me with a hundred backdoors through which I can escape from enduring habits.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882

12. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions–as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.

13. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

Albert Einstein Inspirational Quotes

14. I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.

15. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

16. Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.

17. I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.

18. Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.

19. Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

20. Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts..

Inspirational Quotes by Mark Twain

21. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

22. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

23. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.

24. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

25. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Robert Frost Inspirational Quotes

26. The best way out is always through.

27. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day

28. In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.

29. The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

30. The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Inspirational Quotes by Mahatma Gandhi

31. You must be the change you want to see in the world.

32. Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

33. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

34. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

35. “An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”

36. Man is the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.

37. Satisfaction does not come with achievement, but with effort. Full effort is full victory.

38. “The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems”

39. Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

Rabindranath Tagore Inspirational Quotes

40. By plucking her petals, you do not gather the beauty of the flower.

41. I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.

42. A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

43. If you shut your door to all errors truth will be shut out.

Inspirational Quotes by Swami Vivekananda

44. Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, live on idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success.

45. If you are a strong man, very good! But do not curse others who are not strong enough for you. …Everyone says, “Woe unto you people!!” Who says, “Woe unto me that I cannot help you?” The people are doing all right to the best of their ability and means and knowledge. Woe unto me that I cannot lift them to where I am!

46. Even the greatest fool can accomplish a task if it were after his or her heart. But the intelligent ones are those who can convert every work into one that suits their taste.

47. The only test of goods things is that they make us strong.

Winston Churchill Inspirational Quotes

48. Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

It is better to be making the news than taking it; to be an actor rather than a critic.

49. I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.

50. If you’re going through hell, keep going.

Inspirational Quotes by Aristotle

51. Hope is a waking dream.

52. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.

Voltaire Quotes

53. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.

54. Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.

55. Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.

Michael Jordan Inspirational Quotes

56. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

57. If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.
E. Joseph Cossman

58. Whenever you find whole world against you just turn around and lead the world.
Anonymous

59. Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
William B. Sprague

Inspirational Quotes by Henry Ford

60. Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.
Henry Ford

61. I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.
Oprah Winfrey

62. What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.
Goethe

63. You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.
Zig Ziglar

64. Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.
Napoleon Hill

Truman Capote Inspirational Quotes

65. Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.
Truman Capote

66. Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare.
Japanese Proverb

67. In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.
Theodore Roosevelt

68. If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
Isaac B. Singer

69. Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well.
Unknown

70. Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.
Charles F. Kettering, Engineer and Inventor

71. Losers visualize the penalties of failure. Winners visualize the rewards of success.
Unknown

72. Some succeed because they are destined. Some succeed because they are determined.
Unknown

73. Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.
Dan Stanford

74. A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
Hugh Downs

75. If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.
Marie Osmond

76. Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.
Roy Goodman

77. In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.
Sid Caesar

78. The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
Richard Bach

79. If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill.
Unknown

80. To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
Anatole France

Inspirational Quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt

81. Great minds discuss ideas
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people
Eleanor Roosevelt

82. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

83. Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
Leo Tolstoy

84. The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.
Margo Kaufman

85. The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed.
Richard B. Sheridan

86. I can’t understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I’m frightened by old ones.
John Cage

87. Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can.
Richard Bach

88. Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
John Wooden

89. Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great.
Machiavelli.

90. “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”
Elbert Hubbard

91. A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience.
Elbert Hubbard

92. “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
Sydney Harris

93. Do first things first, and second things not at all.
Peter Drucker.

94. The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders.
Foster’s Law

95. We see things not as they are, but as we are.
H. M. Tomlinson

96. Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom.
Euripides

97. There is only one success–to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morleys.

98. The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
Chinese Proverb

99. If youth knew; if age could.
Sigmund Freud

100. Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
Bill Hicks

Inspiration takes many forms.  Maybe inspiration your favorite movie quote.  Maybe its a famous person with a disability.  Maybe you share a celebrity birthday with one of your favorite movie stars.  Whatever gets you out of bed in the morning can be considered inspiration.  For the rest of us, its strong coffee and a kick in th pants!

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If you’ve always had a strong sense of respect for those who can come up with incredibly deep, and very witty and quotable phrases and observations, this is a great find for you on the web. Here you’ll find a collection of some of the funniest, smartest commentary on human nature and the world around us.

Twain, Einstein, Nietzsche – all genius minds deserving of quotes long into the future. Whether you’re looking for a witty retort for when you’re joking with friends over a few poker games after work or you just love reading the insights and observations of some of humanity’s most brilliant minds, you’ll love our top 100 quotes.

Albert Einstein Funny Quotes

1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Fredrick Nietzsche Funny Quotes

7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.

8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?

11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

Mark Twain Funny Quotes

12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

Voltaire Funny Quotes

18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.

21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.

24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.

28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.

Plato Funny Quotes

29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.

31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

32. Courage is knowing what not to fear.

33. The measure of a man is what he does with power.

Winston Churchill Funny Quotes

34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

35. If you are going through hell, keep going.

36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

George Carlin Funny Quotes

38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

44. What year did Jesus think it was?

45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

47. “No comment” is a comment.

48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Steve Martin Funny Quotes

50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.

52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
* As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

Steven Colbert Funny Quotes

57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.”
-Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner

58. On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.

59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.

61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”

65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Jon Stewart Funny Quotes

66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.

69. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.

70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

Bill Maher Funny Quotes

71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Larry David Funny Quotes

79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”

Dennis Miller Funny Quotes

82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.

84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”

Jay Leno Funny Quotes

85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes

89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes

94. When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonAIDS.

95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Chris Rock Funny Quotes

96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.

99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”
Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars

101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.

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