1. A human being is a part of the whole, called by us Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest-a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty.

2. Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.

3. The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.

4. What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of humility. This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.

5. The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.  

6. A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death.”- Martin Luther King Jr.  

7. Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.Buddha

8. Man is made by his belief. As he believes, so he is.Bhagwat Gita

9. When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That’s my religion.Abraham Lincoln

10. The only test of good things is that they make us strong.Vivekananda

11. Is it not tremendously blasphemous to believe against reason? What right have we not to use the greatest gift that God has given to us? I am sure God will pardon a man who will use his reason and cannot believe, rather than a man who believes blindly instead of using the facilities He has given him.Vivekananda

12. We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far.Vivekananda

13. The first sign of your becoming religious is that you are becoming cheerful.Vivekananda

14. This I have seen in life, he who is overcautious about himself falls into dangers at every step; he who is afraid of losing honor and respect, gets only disgrace; he who is always afraid of loss always losses.Vivekananda

15. In judging others we always judge them by our own ideals. That is not as it should be. Everyone must be judged according to his own ideal, and not by that of anyone else.Vivekananda

16. The first act of true teaching must be that the teaching should not contradict reason.Vivekananda

17. In wealth is the fear of poverty, in knowledge the fear of ignorance,in beauty the fear of age, in fame the fear of backbiters, in successthe fear of jealousy, even in body is the fear of death. Everything inthis earth is fraught with fear. He alone is fearless who has given upeverything.Vivekananda

18. An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.Gandhi

19. Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.Gandhi

20. As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.Gandhi

21. You must be the change you want to see in the world.Gandhi

22. That knowledge which purifies the mind and heart alone is true knowledge, all else is only a negation of knowledge.Ramakrishna

23. If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch either one.Russian Proverb

24. Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.Roger Mille

25. A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.Henry David Thoreau

26. That man is richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.Henry David Thoreau

27. This world is but a canvas to our imaginations.Henry David Thoreau

28. The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.Edward R. Murrow

29. If you judge people, you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa

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1. A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.

2. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.

3. Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

Inspirational Quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson

4. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

5. We judge of man’s wisdom by his hope.

6. We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.

7. What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say”

8. People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

9. The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people.

10. We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities.

Friedrich Nietzsche Inspirational Quotes

11. Enduring habits I hate…. Yes, at the very bottom of my soul I feel grateful to all my misery and bouts of sickness and everything about me that is imperfect, because this sort of thing leaves me with a hundred backdoors through which I can escape from enduring habits.
- Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882

12. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions–as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.

13. He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

Albert Einstein Inspirational Quotes

14. I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.

15. Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

16. Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.

17. I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.

18. Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.

19. Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

20. Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts..

Inspirational Quotes by Mark Twain

21. The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

22. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

23. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.

24. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

25. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Robert Frost Inspirational Quotes

26. The best way out is always through.

27. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day

28. In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.

29. The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

30. The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Inspirational Quotes by Mahatma Gandhi

31. You must be the change you want to see in the world.

32. Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

33. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

34. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

35. “An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”

36. Man is the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.

37. Satisfaction does not come with achievement, but with effort. Full effort is full victory.

38. “The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems”

39. Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

Rabindranath Tagore Inspirational Quotes

40. By plucking her petals, you do not gather the beauty of the flower.

41. I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.

42. A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

43. If you shut your door to all errors truth will be shut out.

Inspirational Quotes by Swami Vivekananda

44. Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, live on idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success.

45. If you are a strong man, very good! But do not curse others who are not strong enough for you. …Everyone says, “Woe unto you people!!” Who says, “Woe unto me that I cannot help you?” The people are doing all right to the best of their ability and means and knowledge. Woe unto me that I cannot lift them to where I am!

46. Even the greatest fool can accomplish a task if it were after his or her heart. But the intelligent ones are those who can convert every work into one that suits their taste.

47. The only test of goods things is that they make us strong.

Winston Churchill Inspirational Quotes

48. Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

It is better to be making the news than taking it; to be an actor rather than a critic.

49. I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.

50. If you’re going through hell, keep going.

Inspirational Quotes by Aristotle

51. Hope is a waking dream.

52. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.

Voltaire Quotes

53. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.

54. Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.

55. Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.

Michael Jordan Inspirational Quotes

56. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

57. If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.
E. Joseph Cossman

58. Whenever you find whole world against you just turn around and lead the world.
Anonymous

59. Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
William B. Sprague

Inspirational Quotes by Henry Ford

60. Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.
Henry Ford

61. I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.
Oprah Winfrey

62. What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.
Goethe

63. You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.
Zig Ziglar

64. Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.
Napoleon Hill

Truman Capote Inspirational Quotes

65. Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.
Truman Capote

66. Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare.
Japanese Proverb

67. In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.
Theodore Roosevelt

68. If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.
Isaac B. Singer

69. Success consists of doing the common things of life uncommonly well.
Unknown

70. Keep on going and the chances are you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I have never heard of anyone stumbling on something sitting down.
Charles F. Kettering, Engineer and Inventor

71. Losers visualize the penalties of failure. Winners visualize the rewards of success.
Unknown

72. Some succeed because they are destined. Some succeed because they are determined.
Unknown

73. Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.
Dan Stanford

74. A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
Hugh Downs

75. If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.
Marie Osmond

76. Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.
Roy Goodman

77. In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.
Sid Caesar

78. The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
Richard Bach

79. If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill.
Unknown

80. To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
Anatole France

Inspirational Quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt

81. Great minds discuss ideas
Average minds discuss events
Small minds discuss people
Eleanor Roosevelt

82. “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

83. Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
Leo Tolstoy

84. The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.
Margo Kaufman

85. The surest way not to fail is to determine to succeed.
Richard B. Sheridan

86. I can’t understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I’m frightened by old ones.
John Cage

87. Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can.
Richard Bach

88. Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
John Wooden

89. Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great.
Machiavelli.

90. “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”
Elbert Hubbard

91. A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in on the experience.
Elbert Hubbard

92. “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
Sydney Harris

93. Do first things first, and second things not at all.
Peter Drucker.

94. The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders.
Foster’s Law

95. We see things not as they are, but as we are.
H. M. Tomlinson

96. Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom.
Euripides

97. There is only one success–to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morleys.

98. The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.
Chinese Proverb

99. If youth knew; if age could.
Sigmund Freud

100. Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
Bill Hicks

Inspiration takes many forms.  Maybe inspiration your favorite movie quote.  Maybe its a famous person with a disability.  Maybe you share a celebrity birthday with one of your favorite movie stars.  Whatever gets you out of bed in the morning can be considered inspiration.  For the rest of us, its strong coffee and a kick in th pants!

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1. Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

2. Atheism: A non-prophet organization.

3. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes

4. Which is it, is man one of God’s blunders or is God one of man’s?

5. Faith means not wanting to know what is true.

6. Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Albert Einstein Quotes

7. What I see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of “humility.” This is a genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mysticism.

8. It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. … Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Albert Einstein, “Religion and Science”, New York Times Magazine, 9 November 1930

9. If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Gandhi Quotes

10. The most henious and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives.
Mohandas K Gandhi, Young India, July 7, 1950, quoted from Laird Wilcox, ed., “The Degeneration of Belief”

11. I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

Mark Twain Quotes

12. “It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.”
Mark Twain

13. A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
Mark Twain

14. What God lacks is convictions — stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something — not try to be everything.

15. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain, quoted from Curmudgeon-Online

16. “In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true.

Thomas Jefferson Quotes

17. Shake off all fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.

18. We are afraid of the known and afraid of the unknown. That is our daily life and in that there is no hope, and therefore every form of philosophy, every form of theological concept, is merely an escape from the actual reality of what is. All outward forms of change brought about by wars, revolutions, reformations, laws and ideologies have failed completely to change the basic nature of man and therefore of society.

Benjamin Franklin Quotes

19. The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason: The Morning Daylight appears plainer when you put out your Candle.
Benjamin Franklin, the incompatibility of faith and reason, Poor Richard’s Almanack (1758)

20. Lighthouses are more helpful then churches.

Voltaire Quotes

21. If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.
Voltaire

22. Those who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.

Stephen Hawking Quotes

23. Black holes would seem to suggest that God not only plays dice, but also sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
Stephen Hawking, NATURE, 1975

24. We could call order by the name of God, but it would be an impersonal God. There’s not much personal about the laws of physics.

Jiddu Krishnamurti Quotes

25. Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure it is in decay.
Jiddu Krishnamurti

26. The constant assertion of belief is an indication of fear.
Jiddu Krishnamurti

Christopher Hitchens Quotes

27. What can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.
Christopher Hitchens

28. Christopher Hitchens On Jerry Falwell: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.

Sigmund Freud Quotes

29. Religion is an illusion and it derives its strength from the fact that it falls in with our instinctual desires.
Sigmund Freud

30. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.
Karl Marx

George Bernard Shaw Quotes

31. The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw

32. Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.
Blaise Pascal Quote

32. You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni Quote

34. With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg Quote

35. The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Delos B. McKown Quote

36. Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Edward Gibbon

37. Our ignorance is God; what we know is science.
Robert Ingersoll

38. The foolish reject what they see and not what they think; the wise reject what they think and not what they see.
Huang Po

39. Where knowledge ends, religion begins.
Benjamin Disraeli Quote

40. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.
Quote from Unknown

41. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Dave Barry

42. Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
- Epicurus Quotes

43. The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not.
Eric Hoffer Quotes

44. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher

45. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

46. If we go back to the beginning, we shall find that ignorance and fear created the gods; that fancy, enthusiasm, or deceit adorned them; that weakness worships them; that credulity preserves them and that custom, respect and tyranny support them in order to make the blindness of men serve their own interests. If the ignorance of nature gave birth to gods, the knowledge of nature is calculated to destroy them.
Baron D’Holbach, cited in Jonathan Miller. (2004). A Brief History of Disbelief [TV-Series].

47. If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
Bill Hicks

48. Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov

49. A belief which leaves no place for doubt is not a belief; it is a superstition.
José Bergamín

50. One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.
Arthur C. Clarke Quotes

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If you’ve always had a strong sense of respect for those who can come up with incredibly deep, and very witty and quotable phrases and observations, this is a great find for you on the web. Here you’ll find a collection of some of the funniest, smartest commentary on human nature and the world around us.

Twain, Einstein, Nietzsche – all genius minds deserving of quotes long into the future. Whether you’re looking for a witty retort for when you’re joking with friends over a few poker games after work or you just love reading the insights and observations of some of humanity’s most brilliant minds, you’ll love our top 100 quotes.

Albert Einstein Funny Quotes

1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.

5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Fredrick Nietzsche Funny Quotes

7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsense was God.

8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

10. Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?

11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal.

Mark Twain Funny Quotes

12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

13. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

14. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

16. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

17. “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

Voltaire Funny Quotes

18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.

20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.

21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it.

23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere.

24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.

25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.

26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property.

28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers.

Plato Funny Quotes

29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern.

31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are.

32. Courage is knowing what not to fear.

33. The measure of a man is what he does with power.

Winston Churchill Funny Quotes

34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

35. If you are going through hell, keep going.

36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

George Carlin Funny Quotes

38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

40. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

44. What year did Jesus think it was?

45. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

47. “No comment” is a comment.

48. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Steve Martin Funny Quotes

50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.

52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

54. You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

56. Why is it we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
* As Harris K. Telemacher in “L.A. Story” (1991)

Steven Colbert Funny Quotes

57. “To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush…I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough…Somebody shoot me in the face.”
-Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner

58. On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.

59. There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

60. Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck.

61. I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

62. Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

64. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.”

65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Jon Stewart Funny Quotes

66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.

69. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck.

70. Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
Jon Stewart’s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005

Bill Maher Funny Quotes

71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.

74. They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.

Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

77. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

Larry David Funny Quotes

79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.

80. If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.

81. I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”

Dennis Miller Funny Quotes

82. A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

83. The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.

84. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”

Jay Leno Funny Quotes

85. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.

88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes

89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

91. I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

92. A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes

94. When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS, by the way – make lemonAIDS.

95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Chris Rock Funny Quotes

96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

98. If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near fourty.

99. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

100. “You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.”
Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars

101. Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.

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